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This space is for sharing the ties that bind us together in sisterly love. Here you will get insight from dr. terri along with her ProPack (professionals from various fields) and her Readers as Writers who bring words of wisdom that inspire and inform the sisterhood. You are welcome to share as well. Visit the ContactUs page for details.

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Insatiable: What Prince Taught Me about Erotic Love (Reprint)

Posted on April 20, 2017 at 6:30 PM Comments comments (6)

Insatiable: What Prince Taught Me about Erotic Love (Reprint from April 22, 2016)

by dr. terri

By now we all have heard about the sudden passing of the legendary icon—Prince Rogers Nelson (a.k.a. Prince). Like most people, I was just dumbfounded when I got the news. A world with no Prince? In my lifetime? What?! This has to be what it sounds like when doves cry. And my heart has been crying right along with them.


Honestly, when I consider my coming of age years, they were every bit of the 80s; and the 80s were every bit of Prince. His music was at the heart of my lifetime-in-the-making. However, I’m not here to write about the obvious music genius that most people will discuss over the coming days as he is memorialized. No, I’m here to discuss his sensual vibration and what his lyrics taught me not only as I made my entrance into womanhood but as I began to embrace the beauty of erotic love.




This month at StillSoSexy!, we’re talking about Our Bodies, Our Belongings. Yet, I cannot cover this topic without highlighting Prince, the king of melodious erotica, and his influence on my appreciation for erotic love. Dare I say, in some ways, his music introduced me to the world of erotology? In fact, I can remember buying my first Prince album—Controversy (1981)—when I was in high school. I played "Do Me Baby" over and over and over again (and mind you that's when you had to lift the record player needle to start the song at just the right spot). I tell you, that song was everything to me at the time. To hear a man sing so passionately about sexual intimacy to some hardcore funky vibrations (all while not making my femininity feel dirty and used) made me want to read more about eroticism.


What I found out from my reading back then was eroticism isn't as much about the sexual act itself as it is about the asthetics of everything surrounding the act of lovemaking. It is about the many beautiful forms of human expression that create our sexual desire for one another. And "Do Me Baby" definitely expressed that creation. Certainly, there would be many more songs thereafter which would continue to pique my curiosity. The list is endless. But if I had to pick one that really encapsulates what Prince taught me about erotic love, it is Insatiable (Diamonds and Pearls, 1991). By the time it was released, I was 20-something and had a bit more experience to go alongside my reading. With this being said, the song's lyrics bring to life five lessons that I want to share with you:


1. Hey, don't look at the clock. Yeah, it's 2:45. We got all night. Prince always made it clear that time was an important part of intimacy. And there is nothing more erotic to a woman than being with a man who regularly has time for her—and not just time for her body but time for every aspect of her life. So his music taught me that erotic love is conscious—it makes a plan to stay awhile so the time spent together is always full and rich with attentiveness and awareness.


2. I just can’t stop, even if I wasn’t thirsty, I’d drink every drop. Prince knew how to stay right there until they both drank it all and they both thirsted no more. Phew! What can one say about a man who won’t just get his and leave a woman looking at the ceiling as he snores? To have a man put a woman to sleep first, or even better, to have them fall asleep together is pure ecstacy. So his music taught me that erotic love is complete—it works to get all parties across the finish line again and again and again.


3. You say you want my hips up in the air? I don't know. I don't care. Prince wasn’t afraid to let his manhood be seen as subordinate in the bedroom. He would sing about trying anything at least once. And I’m a firm believer that a woman will become extremely comfortable with her body and sense of belonging in a relationship, when she’s with a man who is extremely comfortable with his own sexuality. When that level of comfort is reached, she is wide open for practically anything she feels is nondegrading to her. So his music taught me that erotic love is creative—it will always desire to give new things a try when there is a sense of security and transparency.


4. Tonight we video. No one will ever know. We'll erase the naughty bits. I'll show my ___, if you show your ___. Prince could convince even the most bashful woman to trust her bareness with him. Think about it. Who among his love affairs ever dished the dirt on him? And in return, he never dished the dirt on any of them. Needless to say, for many women this quality is crucial when it comes to our sexual psyche. After all, for a lot of us "good girls" growing up, we feared the guys who would put us on blast for even the slightest display of sexual affection. So his music taught me that erotic love is confidential—it believes in discretion and it honors privacy even within a public relationship.


5. Listen, oh girl, I'm fallin'! I love you. Baby you're mine. You’re nastier than I thought. It's just 2:49. Prince was not ashamed of four letter words or of alphabetizing them. In other words, he understood those moments when the F-word came before the L-word. Yes, I know. The idea of steamy, nasty, hot sex happening before real committed love appears goes against all sound moral judgement for many of us. But guess what? It does happen—maybe not always, but it can and does happen. So his music taught me that erotic love is curative—it has a healing virtue that can turn a single moment of sensual-sexual pleasure between two mature people into a beautiful lifetime surprise for the two of them.


In the final analysis, when I think of learning to be comfortable in my body and having a sense of belonging within a relationship, I can’t help but to think of Prince and his music. His music made a woman feel comfortable with every inch of her body and with her right to belong in an enraptured bond. Through his music, he was not afraid to be transparent in his own weaknesses while also being fearless in his strengths. No doubt, he will be missed by us all. Yet, I am grateful for the body of music he left, along with the sensual vibrations and lyrics, which will always remind me of this simple truth that I learned way back in the 80s: erotic love has the power to be melodiously beautiful for a lifetime.

Rest in Peace your Royal "Purple" Badness!



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"The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane,

firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling. [...] For women,

this has meant a suppression of the erotic as a considered source of power and information within our lives."

~ Audre Lorde (The Uses of the Erotica)

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.


Sensuality Defined

Posted on March 26, 2017 at 7:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Sensuality Defined

by dr. terri

The other day I had a great conversation with a woman who let me know she really enjoys the StillSoSexy! site. I told her how much I appreciate when women hit me up to let me know they are keeping up with the blog posts and reading all the articles on the learn page. And I always get tickled when women whisper that they did a little shopping too. Assuring them of the confidentiality, I tend to whisper back how glad I am to know they found something that made them feel beautiful and sexy.


Yet, as I was enjoying the wonderful conversation with the woman, I realized many of my offline talks with other women are very telling when it comes to our comfort level in openly discussing all things sensual. That is, coming to terms with the essence of sensuality is difficult for many women. After all, most of us have been raised to believe only “loose” women are sensual women. The rest of us, who are “proper” women, are merely sexual spectators—lovers on the low, reproductive magician, dutiful damsels—who morally oblige our mates rather than intimately enjoy them.


Consequently, sensuality has taken on a negative connotation because it somehow implies lewdness, fleshy-ness, or an unchaste lifestyle. But in reality, sensuality at its core refers to what we as human beings experience through our five senses (i.e., what we see, hear, taste, touch, and smell) as well as what we experience through our sixth sense known as intuition. And perhaps, when it comes to sensuality, it is women’s intuition which frightens not only society and our lovers but us.


All this being said, as women, we must ask ourselves what does it mean for us to experience attraction, passion, love, and romance through our senses? What does it mean to be sensually present in our lovemaking? And what does it mean to have all of our senses be very much a part of our love for another human being? The answers to these questions, if answered honestly, will probably lead us to this simple truth: Sensuality is a state of knowing what it is we desire without fear of experiencing it mind, body, and soul. Think on this as you click off your light for the night.


And as always, be well and stay + y'all...


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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.


A Bride's Blues: Do I Stay or Go?

Posted on March 9, 2017 at 8:25 PM Comments comments (0)

Imagine being a newlywed and having to decide whether to stay or go almost from the start. Today, I'm pleased to have yet another guest blogger--a Reader as Writer--join us during our Women's History Month discussion. You know I like to keep it real here at StillSoSexy!--real issues for real women. And for me, this sister has kept it ever so real as she shares her womanhood wilderness experience with us. Read her story to see how she handled her business and kept her power.

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A Bride's Blues: Do I Stay or Go?

By Felicia WA


For those newlyweds who are just starting out and something devastating and/or traumatic happens…hang in there and pray about it. I’ll tell a short snippet of my story.


I had married a wonderful man in 2011 and our wedding was like one of a fairy tale…just beautiful. We had a family of seven, five children (he had four and I had two). Some months down the road, FBI and police are surrounding my home looking for my new husband of four months. Needless to say, I was devastated and traumatized when they took him. For months, I went to his court hearings that were more than an hour or two away. He was sentenced to three years (actually two but who’s counting?).


During the beginning of this time, I didn’t know what to do. I went into deep depression and started losing weight and then had five children that I was supposed to take care of. Sorry to say, I couldn’t take care of them all. I had to let his children stay with their grandparents. After four months of marriage, I was having a really hard time wondering if I was going to stay with this man or not. For about six months to a year, I was unsure of what I was going to do. I cried, I prayed, and I cried some more. There was no one I knew that I could turn to and have them understand what I was going through. NO ONE!


I felt alone and searched for support groups online. I had found one, but it wasn’t doing it for me. I eventually decided that I loved this man, wanted to stay true to my marriage vows (that we said three times lol), and stick it out with him through this ordeal. He was never closer than an hour and a half, but as his wife, I visited him. At one point, he was in Kentucky, which was a long way from home for us. But I went to visit him, and on one occasion I took all the kids. He was finally released in 2014.


So here we are in 2017. We still have our ups and downs, but we love each other. He is now a district manager for his company in the area that we just moved to and bought a new house. I left my job and followed him (of course). How did I get through it?? With patience, love, prayer and support—if you can find it. And if you can find it…I STRONGLY recommend it!


Always keep God between you. Others will not have any idea what you are going through, but will want to vocalize their opinions about what you should or shouldn’t do. They are not living your life nor have any idea about your situation. So ignore them and continue to do what is best for you and yours. If you have found the right person, love can be a wonderful thing.


Peace and blessings!

 


Grateful by Arielle Denise Dance

Posted on March 6, 2017 at 8:15 PM Comments comments (0)

Welcome back to our Women's History Month discussion--"Surviving the Womanhood Wilderness Experience". Today my guest blogger is Arielle Denise Dance--PhD candidate in Integrative Medicine. And talk about a survivor. Having faced one health crisis after another, Arielle is not one to shy away from promoting self-advocacy in women's health. She is grateful to still be here on the journey. And we are grateful for her sharing her story and giving us some helpful advice on surviving similar health crisis in our lives. Read on...

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Grateful

By Arielle Denise Dance


Imagine the worst gas pain in your back to the point that you cannot lie down or even sit back in a chair. Pair that with feeling like your throat is closing and your chest is so tight. I had both scary symptoms in the summers of 2010 and 2014. Both times my family rushed me to the emergency room, where I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung) and possible DVT (deep vein thrombosis- blood clot in the leg).


During my days in the intensive care unit, being treated with oxygen, blood thinners, and pain medications, I began to heal and recharge. The reality settled in, 1 in 4 people who get a blood clot will die. I survived, twice! I am a miracle. As the pain in my lungs and back wore off, I found my breath again. I learned to take a breath and say, “I’m grateful.” I appreciate my life more than ever. I learned to appreciate my mother and partner more. They sat by my bed each night, slept in weird positions in chairs, combed my matted hair, brushed my teeth, and changed my bedpan. There is something about being that vulnerable and feeling that exposed that makes you grateful.


Now, whenever I need to be reminded, I take the longest and deepest breath possible… because I can! I stretch my arms wide and whisper, “I’m grateful.” When I am laying on my partner’s chest, listening to the rhythm of our hearts, I take a deep breath… because I’m still here! I look up, we meet eyes, and I whisper, “I’m grateful.”


So I dare you to do the same… find a reason to be grateful when you can’t breathe, can’t dance, can’t smile. I dare you to thank the universe for life, when you feel nothing but darkness and death. I dare you to appreciate your body even with its limitations. Finally, I dare you to take care of yourself and be aware of your risks for blood clots so you can live a healthy life.


Know Your Risks for Blood Clots:

• Stretch your legs on those long flights, train rides, and even sitting in office for long periods of time.

• There are some risks that are out of your control, like if you’re an African American woman, are over 60 years old, or have a family history of blood clots.

• Take care of yourself! Being obese increases your risk.

• Recent surgery, childbirth and pregnancy are also risk factors.

• Birth control and other estrogen medications put you at moderate risk.

• It may be time for you to quit smoking. Using tobacco products increases your risk of clotting.

• Cancer patients are at a higher risk for clotting especially those on chemotherapy.


To learn more about blood clots and risk factors, visit www.stoptheclot.org/ and www.worldthrombosisday.org/issue/thrombosis/.




Arielle is a PhD candidate in Integrative Medicine. She believes that you can dance through any circumstance and that telling your story is one of the most healing experiences.

Surviving the Womanhood Wilderness Experience

Posted on March 1, 2017 at 3:00 PM Comments comments (7)

Surviving the Womanhood Wilderness Experience

By dr. terri


Welcome to Women’s History Month! Let the celebration of our womanhood begin. And where should that beginning start? Let’s start with the real—what’s really going on inside so many of us. Let’s start with how we as women are surviving our wilderness experiences.


Now for those of you observing the 40-day Lenten season, you know it starts today with Ash Wednesday—the time when Christians are supposed to mirror Jesus being in the wilderness for 40 days. As He fasted and prayed there, He was tested in that desert—hungry, thirsty, hot, alone, and yet determined to stay the course. Sounds like a lot of us, right? Well, before I go any further, this is not a sermonic lecture. You need not be of the faith or any faith to get where I’m going, so keep reading. There is always something here for everyone.


So what struck me about the cross-sectional significance of Women’s History Month and Ash Wednesday is a biblical scripture (Isaiah 61:3) that reads: “[He has sent me] to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” What I like about these words is the idea of us exchanging our ashes—the burned remains of things that have died—for something beautifully alive to rest on our heads and in our minds. Just wow! I love the idea of being able to exchange beauty for ashes, mourning for joy, and a spirit of despair (or heaviness) for celebration.


Listen, as women (single, married, divorced, or widowed), our daily round seems to be made up of taking care of the needs of everyone around us. And for the most part, we do it brilliantly. We take care of business day-in and day-out. But who takes care of us at the end of the day? No, really. Who takes care of us when we are exhausted and at the end of our rope? Where is the crown of beauty, the oil of joy, and the garment of praise for all the booty (no pun intended) lost in our daily battles of life? We’ll wait for it…[toe tap here].


Often times we look to one another—the sisterhood—for that listening ear, that call-and-response, that “girl, I got you” moment. For those in healthy romantic relationships, our mates may be who we look to get peace and understanding. Even as adults, some of us may look to our parents or older relatives for words of wisdom. But let's face it, there are times when there is no one. Not a soul who is there for us the way we are there for them. This is what I call the womanhood wilderness experience. And we’ve probably all experienced it at one time or another. If you haven't yet, just keep on livin' my sistafriend!


So how do we survive our wilderness experiences? How do we get through the season of being hungry, thirsty, hot, alone, and yet determined to stay the course when no one else is really there? This month we’ll delve into this issue. If you have a story to tell on surviving your womanhood wilderness experience or you just want to share survival advice, feel free to be one of our Readers as Writers this month. Simply go to the CONTACT US page to connect with us.


Until next time, stay + y'all...


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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.


 


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